THIS IS NOT COMMUNICATION

Dear Gail,

            I am subject to arrest for communicating with you, but there are some things I must express whether they ever reach you or not.  If this reaches you and you wish to have me arrested as a result, more power to you.  If you never see this, it will have helped me try to work through these things for myself.

            I believe that you have done some pretty unforgivable things to me, but I forgive you, because I really don�t think you fully understand what you have done and are doing.  It�s like with my brothers, whom you used against me in your court prosecution, but I forgive you for this, as I forgave Richard when he contacted me after hearing of our situation, and without him asking for forgiveness as I had previously insisted he needed to do.  The interesting thing in this is that Richard proclaimed that he could never trust you after you advised him, regarding his issues with Cathie, that he should just slap her around a little (and the implications of that to our situation are too much to consider).   Richard and I haven�t discussed our past differences, but this would seem to suggest that my brothers� coup d�etat was about you as well as about me, as first suggested in the upset over the dishes, so your use of my family to prove how I abused you would seem just a little bit off. 

I am truly sorry that your life has seen so much abuse, but even sorrier that the effect of our current situation is that you seem to be saying that I have been more abusive to you than any of the other men in your life (beginning with your father) have been.   I know from what you have told me that that is not true, but even if you deny that was your intent, the effect has been that I am being punished even more than the person you described as your worst abuser in your adult years (Bob) ever was.

 I have frequently witnessed your all out efforts at winning any battle in which you engage.  I have always been of two minds regarding your ability to be so fierce and unreasonable in pursuing your advantage.  This way of yours has worked for us more than once in the past, but it is truly terrifying to have this side of you now turned against me.

            I admit that I don�t fully or even slightly understand what you consider that I have done to you, but I hope that ultimately you can forgive me as well.   It seems to me that neither of us has measured up to our vows of not questioning the others needs.

 Again I am not clear on what you really think in this regard (as opposed to the nonsense you have claimed in court), but I would like to express my feelings regarding my unmet needs.  I won�t even bother talking about sex here, as that aspect of our marriage had pretty much died out well before your auto accident, though I continued to hope and fantasize for a miracle cure.  No, what I was most lacking in our relationship was affection and appreciation.  And, well, since the way my body works is to greet any act of affection as a promise of something more to come, I guess I should even drop my need for affection as it becomes a problematical two-edged sword.

Which leaves appreciation.  I don�t know how you got to the point of thinking that you have been supporting me, but in my opinion that is not only extremely hurtful, but actively abusive, and absolutely ignorant of the reality of the situation, given the major amounts of time I was putting into the Guild, your business, and our jointly owned real estate.   No, I was not seeking outside employment, and there were two good reasons for that, though you couldn�t seem to understand.  For one thing, given how much time I had to devote to your business, the guild, and designing this next property development, I didn�t have time for a job.  Why can�t you understand that there was more potential for creating wealth from my developing this property than from any job I might get.   The other part of this is that my ability to get a job was severely hampered by the way I left my last job, and was then made even more difficult by my problems over my father�s illness.   Now that you have claimed that I have abused you (despite the absurdity of the allegations), including claiming that you have been in fear of me since I lost my job (maybe true, but if so then you were lying then when you were my biggest supporter, if not true you are lying now, its either one or the other), my chances of getting another job are about nil, thank you.

            I hear through the grapevine that your party line is that you are doing this so we can both be happier.  A nice sentiment, but it doesn�t quite coincide with your vicious prosecution of the restraining order.   If all you wanted was a divorce, that could have been accomplished much more civilly by moving the restraining order to the divorce as your attorney originally agreed to, but then backed out of, purportedly because I would no longer be subject to instant arrest.  So I guess that means that your happiness required my being threatened with instant arrest, which doesn�t do much for my happiness regardless of your strange disconnect.

            Of course, any possibility of my happiness in a divorce is also contingent on a somewhat equitable property division.  Your attorney�s original offer, which it took him over three months to propose, while I was left camping out in the middle of winter, was so inequitable as to be laughable.  I know I signed a pre-nup, but the sole rationale for that was to avoid having your income subject to attachment for my children�s support (and it�s funny that you want to continue to claim them as your children after assertively not supporting them).  All three properties are jointly owned, which, being written contracts, override the pre-nup, and that was my specific intent in insisting they be titled that way.  Your conception that a fair property split would mean you getting both houses and half of the building fund, and me the vacant lot, may do a lot for your happiness, but if you really think that could make me happy, you are further gone than I feared.

            Gail, our separate issues may make our continued walk together impossible, and if you want to insist it�s all me, that�s your privilege.  But I, at least, believe that there are longterm consequences to our current actions, and I know that if we don�t conduct ourselves in alignment with our belief systems that we are asking for serious trouble.  I am doing all I can to try to act in a way that might allow us to be able to be friends after this.   I mean, whatever you think I have done to you, I can�t fathom how you can think it has been worse than what Bob, or Tom, or your neighbor, or your father, or any of those others that you continued or returned to being friends with, despite going your separate ways.

            If nothing else, as I requested before with no response, I would really like to be able to take the dog for a walk now and again. 

Love,

ken